This is a long and drawn out story, a bit unbelievable and probably not that interesting and is about being diagnosed with a delusion disorder and being forced to take anti-psychotic medication that I have evidence that it is true. The medication has given me anxiety and impotence and making life very unpleasant to say the least and after years of abuse to be going through much worse is the worst experience you can go through. Im using this platform to blog my experience as it helps me get through what im going through to write down my thoughts instead of thinking over and over the same thought and making life very in enjoyable.
The story goes back 2 years ago and after having years of problems with my partner it became evedent that there was something wrong with her and she is the mother of my two children. I joined some mental health forums to try to figure out what was wrong with her. I had no idea about what mental illness was but I just had the feeling that this was serious and she wouldn’t get any help for her problems and was really offended at the thought. You wold of thought I was trying to hurt her instead of trying to help her and was a situation that I couldn’t figure out by myself.
I had tried so many times in so many ways to repair the relationship and to help her with what she was doing that I had given up and was had to focus on my son who was still only 3 and something was wrong with him that was looking like he had ADHD and may of been from what he was getting taught or treated like from his mother.
Mostly at the time my concern was this kind of constant mental abuse from me that was the focus of every conversation and that she was going behind mind back and spreading malisicious stories about me and people were thinking things about me that were untrue. At the time when I hadn’t worked out the problem and I was always being faced with a new quiet unbelievable and sereal series of events was something that had became a priority to work out and stop the damage she was causing.
I hae all the posts I was making in mental health forums from that time trying to work out what was wrong with her and was trying to describe what was the issue and if anyone could shed a light on it. I had got to the point where it was serious and some type of personality disorder that seems to work in reverse to the rest of us and was basically explianing all the traits of a disorder called malignant narcissism. I found out what this disorder was in may last year at the same time as she had moved out with the children.
It is a bad type of disorder where the person has this broken personality in effect and cant have and feelings or empathy or remorse for there actions. Its were there ego gets stronger on the suffering of there partner and there children while manipulating those around them to enable them to continue to abuse. They try and destroy the reputation of the partner so that person has no credible things they can say when they work out the issue. They even become terrified of that person as a way to protect there ego from being exposed to what they are. Its all very hard to understand and takes years of experience going through all the weird experiences before you can even understand this type of disorder and that goes for people in psych as well.
Its not even possible I believe to understand this type of disorder and they come across as really normal people and no one will ever know there is anything wrong. And I can accept that and its just something I have to go through and battle through my life. I would like the opportunity to be able to stay strong through this period and feel it is the only way I will survive or it will be too hard to deal with this situation. But I am being forced to take medication which is having bad side effects with anxiety and impotence and cant handle being on it.
I first came in contact with the hospital when we went down there in june last year and was there to see if we could get her help. We both had an interview with a psych nurse and I was explaining what was going on and was very evedent that he was not getting the point and was asking me about if I was taking drugs and that’s how surreal the going on are. I told him I had tried drugs in a social type of a way years ago and that I don’t use drugs and he was trying to tell me that you can be in a psychosis for a long period of time from using drugs and I was for sure that this wasn’t an issue. I felt fine mentally and was onl there to help my ex-partner.
She then had an interview and what ever she had said, he believed and he wanted to admit myself. He tried to give me medication but after a while I walked out of there and was getting used to people not being able to get my situation.
About a year previously she had put an AVO on me that was a lie when I first started trying to work out what was wrong. We lived together for 9 months with out incedent until she moved out but the AVO was still current and I was always looked at by people as I had actually done something.
When I found out that this was the disorder I joined support groups on facebook for people like me who were victims of narcissistic abuse that were quiet large and have gone through similar experiences. but on a lesser level. My situation was also different in that it was non-violent and im a man claiming being abused by a women and not the other way around.
But there are many people in life that have gone through this abuse and when they try and get out of the abuse and talk about what happened or expose the person then no one understands or believes they have gone through this and are lying as people no this person to be a good person and have been undermining them for much longer and looks like they are retailiating or a scorned ex-partner. No one in the support groups has ever said that people around them even there familys have ever understood what they have been through.
I also tried to expose my partner as I thought it was in-safe for her to be with the kids alone and myself being cut off from all access. I had been giving support in the groups and can show on the messager history all the people I was talking to and trying to help. That I was in a community of people that had gone through this kind of abuse and its not something that has ever been imagined or could be a delusion disorder I had just got and imagined the whole thing.
As I became more knowledgable about this disorder and the damage it does to people I began supporting some of people that had gone through this abuse from when they were children. They were in mental health groups with many different mental illnesses from the mental abuse they had suffered all there life and were in a very bad condition mentally. They were looking for help as they had so many mental illnesses and didn’t understand it was from what they had been through with there parent. I could help them by explaining how this disorder would be hurting them and they needed to get out of the abusive from the abuse from there parent if there ever going to have a chance of getting well. It was something I enjoyed and found it gave me strength for my fight that I was having with my partner who had denied me access fro even seeing the kids and had claimed I was out to get her and crazy drug taking person.
She had turned my own family against me and I wanted to get them back on side as I thought with there support it would start to be clear that her lies were from someone with this disorder and could band together to support me more and get my children to a safer environment. I had been chatting with lots of women from Narcissistically abused childhood all with the same mental illnesses and there life’s were just a life time of mental suffering and saw the situation as about as serious as can be for my 2 and 4 year old boys to be involved in.
I then made what I consider to be a big mistake and to get my family back on side I made up this kind of a pamphlet with the people on them I was chatting to in support groups who and called it the most abused people in the world. I also refer to my family and friends as enabling the abuse for taking my ex-partners side and going against me when I have never been abusive to anyone and em really against any type of abuse. I handed out this pamphlet to my family and a few people and it landed me in a psych hospital. I realise it was the wrong thing to do and the actions of a desperate man is a bad situation and regret doing it, but I was diagnosed as delusion disorder of malignant narcissism and put on anti-psychotics and stayed in the mental institution for 62 days and even the first 50 with out being let out for a break over the Christmas period. The reason why I stayed in there so long was that my partner had told them or the police that she was terrified of me and the doctors in the hospital seen me as a physical threat to her, but it was all lies. Today I have a couple of hours access to them on the weekend and she is even there with me and that threat was all just the actions from her to avoid my self trying to expose her in the past.
Where the story gets even a bit more ridiculous is that she filmed a series of video and pictures of what she was doing to the boys when we were together in secret and deleted them on my computer and I was able to retrieve them. There are many of them and really hard to understand but show what mental abuse is. There are videos of her that show she is brain washing the oldest and interrupting him when he is quiet and filming him when he is bored and lots of weird stuff you wouldn’t expect to see filmed. It is in german and not that easy to interpret. Of the youngest boy there is a video of him lying there at 7 weeks old and she has a hairdryer and is filming herself putting it on him that isn’t that hard to interpret though and putting a used nappy in his face but he is laughing and doesn’t look that bad, but filming a hairdryer being put on a seven week old baby I think is a cause for concern. This is the time when a baby is first able to see properly and is confronted with this load noise and hot air being blown on him is so far off what you want to be doing to a young child who needs as much care and love possible. But the psych’s at the hospital were not willing to even view the video’s or listen to the fact that I have been trying to get help for her for a long time and can show how I was describing events in our life that are from what this disorder will do. I also have a previous partner of hers saying she went into narcissistic rage when they ended there relation years ago and myself with no history of any issues or claiming anything strange in the past or having any mental health problems or thinking delusionally. Also that this disorder is very manipulative and my family and friends all being turned against me after there never being any issues for 43 years and only those people she had contact with me gong against me while everyone else had not seen any change in my behaviour as further evidence that she is this disorder.
After 62 days I got out of hospital and there was now something wrong with me. I had what I felt was anxiety and was worried about everything and even suicidal and impotent. After a while I worked out that is was the medication they were making me take and when I got off it I was able to get better in march this year.
I was again put in the psych hospital for 14 days in june and put back on a similar medication and this time put on a community treatment order and that means that if I don’t stay on the medication then they will be allowed to put me in hospital again which is the worse thing I can possibly think of. In a psych hospital you can just sit there all day with nothing to do and the time is just painful to pass and the boredom really effects me. But on the medication my life is just horrible with the anxiety it causes and em stuck in a place where I don’t have mental health issue and do on this anti-psychotic medication. I am going through a tough time and lost all my work when admitted the first time to hospital along with the abuse I have been through and not knowing how the boys are and if she is doing anything to them. Having lost my family and friends to her manipulation and then not being able to live my life with out this medication hurting me in a way I cant handle is way too mach to take.
Having to take legal action which will probably make me seem even more crazy is what im thinkin of now to see if that will get me off the medication and be able to live a normal existence is looking like my only hope. I’m not a threat to anyone and don’t effect anyone and have not mental health issues so I cant see even the need for medication even if I had a delusion. Heaps of people believe things that are not true but in my case there is actual evidence and while its hard to understand, its not possible for me to imagine this type of thing. I have no other issues and none of the problems associated with this delusion disorder. I am in touch again with my ex-partner and all the risks that they believed were the issue of me being a threat have all turned out to be not there. I don’t see anything as being able to work and no-one understands how psychiatry is and can only go on what the experts say and will be a waste of time, but the more you say you are ok seems to just mean you are lying and they could of never of got this wrong and its all in my head. Im am being violated in the worst possible way after going through abuse for so many years and now my children and then being forced to take medication that is making me so week, when the only chance I have to get through this is to stay strong by a hospital that is there to help people mentally but in my case are hurting me so much while im not effecting or a threat to anyone and haven’t asked for there help. I only wanted them to help my partner so 2 little boys could be safe and have a chance in life and not go through this abuse.