My life story, The rise and fall. Part 5

Numan capability is just this concept I made up and it refers to how people think and what there capable of understanding. It was obvious now that no-one could understand that my partner was this disorder. The only people that could had been exposed to the disorder in real life for a period of time. I only had 3 people really on my side out of all the people I new and they were my neighbour who just knew there was something wrong with her and that I was a good dad. My best mate of 32 years ad he didn’t understand, but he stuck by me anyway and her hairdresser and my old flatmate who’s father of her child was a lesser from of the disorder and she was drawn I by having gone through some weird occurances as well.

All the rest including my mum and dad thought I had just gone mad ad wanted nothing to do with me and were right behind my partner. I knew they were all good people and didn’t lack in rational but they were not capable of understanding the girl they knew to be this monster I was making her out to be. I haven’t crossed paths with friends or family now for a couple of years and will probably always be like that now. None of them had even seen me do anything remotely like she had made out to be like but that is all there capable of understanding.

Its just how the brain works, no -one that I knew had ever been abused and like me didn’t know the first thing about mental illness and disorders and never been exposed to narcissism. They also had been exposed all there life to good people and they thought that of my partner and when I tried to say all the things wrong with her there brain simply could not understand any of it and what I was saying was so far off there rational type thinking that the only answer they could come up with in there mind was what she was implying and that was that I had turned to drugs and now was so crazy that I was dangerous and to stay away from me. They were actually scared of me and im the most placid guy you could ever meet.

But I had been through the same thing myself already. I didn’t know she had a disorder the minute I noticed something was wrong. It took me years to understand that she was a disorder and I had to go through this abuse and see how she was with the children over and over and live this life for 6 years before I could adjust my thinking to what I was actually experiencing. I thought she was on my side for years when she wasn’t because I thought that’s what partners did. I thought she was a great mother when I had seen loads of things that questioned that thought, but my brain only knew about good mothers and my brain couldn’t think any other way. I had got to the stage where I was staying home more ad more to protect there minds and it still hadn’t crossed my mind that she didn’t love these children and they were only there so she could feed her ego off there suffering. I had in reality never even seen her go to them to comfort her and had only seen my boy go to her to comfort her. But I jut thought mothers were the bss around the house and they couldn’t do no wrong and when I seen things to the contrary I could only understand them to what I was capable of at the time and slowly adjust to what was really happening.

Basically you are oly able to understand what you have learned and been exposed to. This disorder takes years to understand and that’s if you live with it. The human mind is not capable of understanding what it hasn’t been exposed to and will understand the nearest thing that it knows about and that could be what they have heard or what the other person was saying. They knew nothing of mental health except the word crazy and they couldn’t understand anything I was telling them, so it made perfect sense to them that I was crazy. And they seen on the news how people who take drugs go crazy and could be dangerous and got to there conclusions the only way there brain could rationalise the situation. Reality was that to manipulate every one she had to just drop certain hints in certain places and people did the ret of the work themselves.

That’s the way the disorder manipulates, It never gives pacific examples of what has happened it just leads you down a road and you don’t even realise it. You don’t think you have been manipulated as she has just shown concern in a few areas and you are comending her for being so concerned and not making a big deal out of a difficult situation and taking her side and enabling the abuse of two little children. This then feeds her disorders ego from being admired and that is why they manipulate people that way and don’t even get caught out lying as they just make out they were concerned.

So I was understanding a few concepts like this and disorders and emotions and was working hard everyday in some direction but I didn’t know where it was going, I just kept working on something assuming that as long as I was giving it my best then it would all work out. The exposure was now not going to work and I didn’t know where I was going with this.

I had started to help out in different types of groups as well. I had joined depression and anxiety groups because I had this feeling that I knew how mental illness works and I had heard of these terms before. I hadn’t had either and I felt like I was the opposite to them and depression proof. I could see how mental abuse and if you dropped emotionally as being causes to them but joined them as that is where you get good information about things. From the people that have been through them.

I knew how emotions worked and if you were strong then you wouldn’t be able to get these things were my only thoughts. but again these groups were a whole different world to where my head was at. There were posts and comments that were so negative with no information for you even to help them. There was just a load of people with all the same thought and it was nothing like mine. I could turn around what they were saying to be positive as I was an expert at doing that or explain that thinking like that will make your emotions feel even more strained and that you wanted to get stronger and not weaker. I tried to help a few people out but when any real therapy looked like occurring they would go missing everytime.

But every now and then there would be a post from a girl in much deeper pain and would be clearly written explaining there difficult situation and not negative. It was actual positive and showed concerned for others and I was immediately drawn to this kind of post. All the people helping them for the groups were not getting the post and I could really see what they were trying to get at. My mind was so clear and I new what they were trying to say without it being said and felt the same way.

They were daughters of a narcissist parent and had been mentally abused since birth. More over they were the second child or the scapegoat and had been through hell mentally and had about ten mental illness all coming from the same type of abuse. And after a while of talking to these girls who had been through the same thing abuse wise had all turned out the same. I could see how I had turned out the same as what had been through all my life and changed when I had been through this kind of abuse. My partner had become this disorder from going through a certain kind of abuse and these girls to who had multiple disorders that were all the same where a result of all being abused the same and was starting to see how the way you are abused is the disorder you end up with. And even the opposite where the better you a brought up emotionally the stronger you are with myself.

That a how a persons emotions are will only reflect what they have been exposed to and if you haven’t been exposed to something then you are not able to experience these feelings and that mental illness is from going through some form of abuse mentally or in your mind. It was not just a thought, it was more that I knew how emotions worked. I had felt by now and experienced the feeling of going through things and seen how emotions respond to your life experiences and that’s all there capable of doing. They were like our guiding light trying to tell us which way to go by giving us a certain sensation that we supposed to take notice of or they will give a feeling that you don’t enjoy. I had seen how people who hadn’t been though certain thing were not capable of experiencing or even understanding and that emotions are not capable of just collapsing and becoming mental ill or having a disorder unless they have reached a certain low level of weakness where a disorder presented itself as a set way of thinking and that this was more of a warning that you needed o take to repair them or there would be this feeling that you do not enjoy and possible harsher warnings coming down the road if you don’t fix his problem you are experiencing in life.

That emotions are all the same and work the same way and that they differ only in what they have been through but will only be able to give reactions to positive and negative experiences and give a feeling of how strong you are emotionally depending on the negatives and positive they have been through. That they are only there to do us good and are built in a way that requires a big shift in the negative with out being repaired for sometime before they are at a certain low level to where a disorder is able to exist. And with out this low level a mental disorder isn’t able to survive and is the only way it can happen was what I was starting to realise.

I was able to relate to these really abused women and wanted to help them. I felt good about them and these girls have been through hell and no-one undersands, including psych’s what they have been through. I was like the bloke who helped people that the system was not able to understand even. That I understood and was on the same level as the most abused people in the world. They were really lovely people as well and felt good emotionally to be helping out such a group that had been though and was going through such a tough time.  But they were also teaching me a lot about abuse and mental illness as well. It felt like you had to get up to such a high level of emotions yourself to be able to be even on a level high enough for you to comprehend the suffering and the period of what hey had been through. It felt good to be in this level of thought and really made my emotions fell like they getting stronger again. That using your mind to experience new learnings was also something you felt as a positive.

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